My last post was almost 3 weeks ago. For someone who blogs almost everyday that's a pretty long time. I've been grouchy, defeated really and I don't much like blogging when all that's crossing my mind is "whoa is me."
A few weeks ago I found myself on the phone with a far away friend who I haven't spoken with, literally, on the phone spoken with in a long time. We keep in touch through facebook (oh what a wonderful deceptive communication tool). The reason for our literal conversation is because she had a break down and spent awhile in a hospital. She said something that really hit hard with me: That all her dreams are dead. That she'd reached the age where all the things she ever dreamt of seemed unrealistic. She'd sat down, looked at life and thought, "this is it. this is how it all turns out." I guess the thought was more than she could handle. But truthfully, without thinking it I've been in the same place for awhile now.
I was going to be a stay at home mom/ architect who designed homes with elaborate secret passages and indoor pools, writing awesome books on the side and traveling the world with my husband and 5 children. I might have also put on a few concerts singing beautiful catchy songs for fans... even if only a few. Honestly I have a difficult time making myself coffee in the morning whilst trying to get the kid and dogs fed, diapered, sent outside to potty (the dogs), and lastly dressed for the day (not the dogs). I know how she feels. It didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. And I realized, "wow. my dreams died awhile back too."
Okay so I have this dream of getting out of debt one day. What a horrible dream to be left with. My dream is to clean up a huge mess that hubby and I made? Really? That's lame! Truth is even if you haven't identified it, feeling like you've nothing left to dream for is horribly defeating. I am glad however that my friend put words to what's been weighing on my heart. I can't say I've been pulled up out of the mire, but I am realizing that I need to dream again. That's a start.
So, I think I'm back. And I'm ready to spice up the journey a bit.