I've been following a natural birth facebook group since the hospital near my house did away with the midwife program there. I chose a non-medicated birth for my son. I delivered at the hospital near my house with a midwife. The facebook page is encouraging to me in highlighting all these other woman who look at birth similarly to how I do. When I was pregnant the majority of moms I spoke to had delivered with an OB and had gotten an epidural.
The main thing that the soon to be moms post on the group page when they're getting closer to labor is requests for encouraging words on how to get through the pain. They worry they won't be able to do it. They worry they'll cave and ask for the epidural. I certainly had the same fears. I even had friends tell me that I would cave. But I didn't. I endured the pain. Like they always say "woman have been birthing babies since the beginning of time with no medicine." If you talk to a woman who doesn't want to get an epidural, who wants to experience natural child birth she is almost always so passionate about it. Sure there's fear but there is a determination like none other.
But what's the point? Why the passion? If you can get rid of the pain... The more time I've spent following the facebook group the more I'm coming to terms with pain in life and in bringing life forth being inevitable. Life is not easy. We as humans and animals, as living beings we try to make the pain go away as much as possible but sometimes we just need to go through the pain to get to the incredible blessing on the other side. Sure there are ways to ease the pain, to manage the pain, to deal with it but you still have to go through it. The mom's who end up with a natural uncomplicated delivery feel so empowered on the other side of it. Sure it hurt, BAD, but most of them will tell you it was the biggest accomplishment of their lives and they wouldn't change it for anything. That's my story. I'm so proud of the birth of my son, every single minute of it.
I say all of this because I've been feeling stuck with this blog, with my financial situation. And I use the analogy above because the recent midwifery services termination has been forefront on my mind for quite sometime. (and certainly not because I look down on woman who chose to deliver with an epidural... not in the least) I've lost a good deal of determination and passion as of late in dealing with the debt payoff. I've been operating sort of in the mentality of, "who needs the pain? I'll just try and mask it." I grew up in a debt laden family. I started my marriage charging everything or so it seems now. After the past few years of learning to be frugal and trying to walk a responsible fiscal path it is still hard a lot of the time to say no to little things that I really don't "need." Lately it's been down right impossible. But little things add up really fast!
Today I write all of this as a means of telling myself, "Embrace the pain. If there isn't money in the budget for that scrumptious dinner you've been craving then purchase something affordable (duh, right?). Stop trying to numb the pain. Put on your big girl pants and get back in it. There is something so beautiful and rewarding on the other side of doing the right thing, on the other side of the pain. Life isn't easy. Stop trying to convince yourself that it should be." Please don't read in between the lines here. It's not do are die. I'm just venting, blogging my thoughts and being really raw.
Well, I'm off to make some lists; lists of things I need to up my game on, do better with, and some ideas to get that determination back.
* This blog post has been updated about a million times now