I've been following a natural birth facebook group since the hospital near my house did away with the midwife program there. I chose a non-medicated birth for my son. I delivered at the hospital near my house with a midwife. The facebook page is encouraging to me in highlighting all these other woman who look at birth similarly to how I do. When I was pregnant the majority of moms I spoke to had delivered with an OB and had gotten an epidural.
The main thing that the soon to be moms post on the group page when they're getting closer to labor is requests for encouraging words on how to get through the pain. They worry they won't be able to do it. They worry they'll cave and ask for the epidural. I certainly had the same fears. I even had friends tell me that I would cave. But I didn't. I endured the pain. Like they always say "woman have been birthing babies since the beginning of time with no medicine." If you talk to a woman who doesn't want to get an epidural, who wants to experience natural child birth she is almost always so passionate about it. Sure there's fear but there is a determination like none other.
But what's the point? Why the passion? If you can get rid of the pain... The more time I've spent following the facebook group the more I'm coming to terms with pain in life and in bringing life forth being inevitable. Life is not easy. We as humans and animals, as living beings we try to make the pain go away as much as possible but sometimes we just need to go through the pain to get to the incredible blessing on the other side. Sure there are ways to ease the pain, to manage the pain, to deal with it but you still have to go through it. The mom's who end up with a natural uncomplicated delivery feel so empowered on the other side of it. Sure it hurt, BAD, but most of them will tell you it was the biggest accomplishment of their lives and they wouldn't change it for anything. That's my story. I'm so proud of the birth of my son, every single minute of it.
I say all of this because I've been feeling stuck with this blog, with my financial situation. And I use the analogy above because the recent midwifery services termination has been forefront on my mind for quite sometime. (and certainly not because I look down on woman who chose to deliver with an epidural... not in the least) I've lost a good deal of determination and passion as of late in dealing with the debt payoff. I've been operating sort of in the mentality of, "who needs the pain? I'll just try and mask it." I grew up in a debt laden family. I started my marriage charging everything or so it seems now. After the past few years of learning to be frugal and trying to walk a responsible fiscal path it is still hard a lot of the time to say no to little things that I really don't "need." Lately it's been down right impossible. But little things add up really fast!
Today I write all of this as a means of telling myself, "Embrace the pain. If there isn't money in the budget for that scrumptious dinner you've been craving then purchase something affordable (duh, right?). Stop trying to numb the pain. Put on your big girl pants and get back in it. There is something so beautiful and rewarding on the other side of doing the right thing, on the other side of the pain. Life isn't easy. Stop trying to convince yourself that it should be." Please don't read in between the lines here. It's not do are die. I'm just venting, blogging my thoughts and being really raw.
Well, I'm off to make some lists; lists of things I need to up my game on, do better with, and some ideas to get that determination back.
* This blog post has been updated about a million times now
I know that this isn't the answer that you are looking for but I think you need to give your husband a kick in the pants. Why should you shoulder the financial repercussions alone for the decisions both of you made? I think he needs to get on board with a budget. Just because he makes more than you do, it doesn't mean that he gets to spend it all. And this is from the breadwinner in my family.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I had 2 completely natural births with an ob and regular doctor. Both doctors and all medical staff supported my decision to go drug free. It is unfortunate in your area that the midwives have been discontinued at the hospital but women do still have options.
He spends considerably less than he used to but so much more than me and on such frivolous things sometimes. I'm not trying to slaughter him here even though I don't know how to post a blog about my feelings and not. I'm just trying to pick my head up and look forward.
DeleteI know for sure that people can have completely natural births with OB doctors. Way to go by the way! :) But statistically it can be more difficult to go through with a natural birth plan with an OB. It really depends on the doctor and the hospital. I've seen several OB/GYN docs (not for pregnancy) and never felt comfortable with any of them but I felt completely comfortable with the midwives I saw during my pregnancy. The hospital near me does have a higher cesarean rate with the doctors (obviously the doctors have to do a c-section on a midwife patient if one arises but that's not what I'm talking about). And even though I was getting induced naturally and my midwife knew I wanted to do everything to not get pictocin the nurse still brought it in the room and was ready to hook me up to it when the midwife was gone. I just felt like the midwives were really on my side and I'm incredibly saddened that my hospital let them go.
I spent many years digging our family out of a debt hole with no real help from my husband. Try to get to a place where you are a team. Your marriage may depend on it.
DeleteCarrying the burden of the finances has led to deep resentment and a real disconnect. If I earn the bulk of the money, he spends almost all the disposable income and is resentful of what I spend on our son (tuition, etc.) then I wonder....why did I even want to be married? Course my husband is bipolar, so that is a whole different conversation, but it contributes to the overspending.
Good luck, take care.
You are correct, but are you in this together as a unit? I have always wondered this. And, it is a rhetorical question. But, I wonder what would happen if you did not make sure the bills are paid by struggling. If you did not struggle, would he see your point? No one, I am sure does not think you should, could, "control" him? Does he practice self-control or just spend until it is gone? Maybe I have missed a lot, but do you ever discuss bills, budgeting, or finances? I am not criticizing, just wondering how the finance thing works in your house since I have never read anything except about your valiant struggle to keep things going.
ReplyDeleteNot valiant by any means. It's a struggle but I think many, many, many things in life are. This just so happens to be one of my struggles. And we're not so much a unit together in this. I have blogged about it but he is very disconnected from the budget/ bills and gets very frustrated when I bring it up. Again, he's getting better but progress is slow going; it is progress none the less.
DeleteI guess this blog post just further illustrates how I used to completely suck at money, spend, spend, spend, charge, charge, charge, how we dug ourselves into a nasty debt hole and how change is difficult. Sometimes I don't want to be all grown up but I am and I will be (for the most part) and I will blog about it because that's what I do.
I changed the post. I'm not trying by any means to sound like a martyr, ever.
DeleteYou did not sound like a martyr. You sound like a person who is shouldering a lot, more than your share! You need a real partner in everything. Now, go back and beat that man down for a Come To Jesus Meeting! I think I signed in as Linda once and now Practical Parsimony another.
DeleteI think I tried doing a lot of "beating" when I first began the debt battle (when I realized we were up a creek) but it didn't seem to work. You get tired you know.
DeleteI know!
DeleteYes, it's tough but you are making progress. Your debt reduction may feel small but just think how awful your situation would have been had you not changed. And there is something which you may not have realised - you are giving your son a responsible attitude to money, a gift which your own upbringing could easily have denied you.
ReplyDeleteThank-you. Those are encouraging words. You are right that I am teaching him a responsible attitude towards money. I'm not sure of any other two year old who have to pay for their own penny pony rides from their piggy bank : )
Delete(He enjoys doing so)
PENNY pony rides? My goodness, they were a quarter when mine were little.
DeleteI've heard that from other people too. It's a mechanical horse that the supermarket I shop at has always had in their stores. They are an 80 year old local chain and they are proud that they haven't raised the price on the penny pony rides in over 80 years. I'm pretty happy they haven't either. He takes a pony ride every time we go grocery shopping and just loves it so much.
Delete