This drawing looks more like me then any photograph I've ever seen. I struggle with bouts of depression, and over eating. I'm generally not very comfortable around people, or I feel out of place at least. And not because I'm uncomfortable with myself but rather I've never felt that I "fit in." I don't often enjoy interacting with others unless there's a conversation involved with substantial substance and generally... nope.
I actually despise fashion, have no desire to ever wear make up, and am very comfortable in my own skin despite having never felt like "one of the girls." I like to get my hands dirty, make messes, and be outdoors. I don't care what anyone thinks about me or if anyone likes me although I despise hurting, offending, or upsetting people.
When I drew this photo I wanted to look like this: proud, strong, not feminine but yet still totally a woman, "hear me roar." I was not comfortable in my skin then. I was repulsed by me actually. When I happened upon my reflection, which I avoided, it actually hurt to look at me. There was something inside of me that told me I was hideous, unlovable, disgusting, needed to crawl in a hole and hide and never crawl out. Except for my friends, middle school was a horror. I really truly wished I had the power of invisibility so that no one would have the displeasure of looking upon me. Most of high school was just as bad. I remember praying almost every single night for a miracle, that I'd wake up in the morning and miraculously be fifty pounds lighter and beautiful. I truly woke up every day hoping that my dream had come true.
One night I prayed, sobbing, that God would change me, that He would fix me. I don't know what was different that night but I heard Him say, "do I make mistakes?" To be clear it wasn't an audible voice coming from beyond my ceiling but a gentle voice inside. I answered, "no. You don't." And then He responded, "what makes you think I messed up with you?" Something broke off of me in that moment. That thing inside that told me I was hideous vanished. I felt the Lord say, "look at my trees and the hills. Each one is completely different but they are all beautiful in their own way, no? Each one is made exactly as it should be, as I intended. You are mine, my masterpiece."
I've looked like this drawing ever since. I am not gentle and sweet, or beautiful in a way the world plasters on magazines. I don't strive to look like or be like ANYONE but me. I am strong and honestly proud and I really, really like me. I have lots of broken parts, things that need fixing, places inside of me that have been damaged or wounded but the broken pieces are in the Lord's hands to be placed back together, fixed as they should be and I like me.