1998
This drawing looks more like me then any photograph I've ever seen. I struggle with bouts of depression, and over eating. I'm generally not very comfortable around people, or I feel out of place at least. And not because I'm uncomfortable with myself but rather I've never felt that I "fit in." I don't often enjoy interacting with others unless there's a conversation involved with substantial substance and generally... nope.
I actually despise fashion, have no desire to ever wear make up, and am very comfortable in my own skin despite having never felt like "one of the girls." I like to get my hands dirty, make messes, and be outdoors. I don't care what anyone thinks about me or if anyone likes me although I despise hurting, offending, or upsetting people.
When I drew this photo I wanted to look like this: proud, strong, not feminine but yet still totally a woman, "hear me roar." I was not comfortable in my skin then. I was repulsed by me actually. When I happened upon my reflection, which I avoided, it actually hurt to look at me. There was something inside of me that told me I was hideous, unlovable, disgusting, needed to crawl in a hole and hide and never crawl out. Except for my friends, middle school was a horror. I really truly wished I had the power of invisibility so that no one would have the displeasure of looking upon me. Most of high school was just as bad. I remember praying almost every single night for a miracle, that I'd wake up in the morning and miraculously be fifty pounds lighter and beautiful. I truly woke up every day hoping that my dream had come true.
One night I prayed, sobbing, that God would change me, that He would fix me. I don't know what was different that night but I heard Him say, "do I make mistakes?" To be clear it wasn't an audible voice coming from beyond my ceiling but a gentle voice inside. I answered, "no. You don't." And then He responded, "what makes you think I messed up with you?" Something broke off of me in that moment. That thing inside that told me I was hideous vanished. I felt the Lord say, "look at my trees and the hills. Each one is completely different but they are all beautiful in their own way, no? Each one is made exactly as it should be, as I intended. You are mine, my masterpiece."
I've looked like this drawing ever since. I am not gentle and sweet, or beautiful in a way the world plasters on magazines. I don't strive to look like or be like ANYONE but me. I am strong and honestly proud and I really, really like me. I have lots of broken parts, things that need fixing, places inside of me that have been damaged or wounded but the broken pieces are in the Lord's hands to be placed back together, fixed as they should be and I like me.
I love it and I love that you weren't alone in one of your darkest hours. Getting older is harder for a lot of women but I have found that I am so so happy at this age. I love how I think and I accept me.
ReplyDeleteThank-you. My heart really goes out to people who haven't learned how to accept who they are, and love themselves. I feel like it's a gift I was given and I'm VERY thankful for it. I'm not too keen on getting older but at the same time I'm with you, you learn so much along the journey that the older you get, I think, hopefully the happier you might find yourself.
DeleteIt sounds arrogant but I love being me now. I just wish that I could back off the to do list.
DeleteI know what you mean; I feel like I sound arrogant too when I fully acknowledge that I love who I am and I don't care one iota what people think about me but I don't think it's arrogance at all. I think arrogance is believing that you're better than everyone else. Being able to say that you really like yourself, I think that's a gift, truly, because there are so many people who really don't.
DeleteAnd totally we need shorter to do lists!
The best gift we can give ourselves is to be accepting of who we are and embrace authenticity. I wish I would have been accepting of the geek within me as I would have hung around more kindred souls rather than just rying to fit in to what others expected. I hope I've supported my kids in finding their own niche. I love the drawing. It reminds me of how I think Ramona Beasley or Juney B Jones would have grown up to be-spunky and unique.
ReplyDeleteThank-you. One of my biggest hopes for my son is to raise him with self confidence and to let him be exactly who he is, not to try and mold him into any hopes I may have for him. Although I think my hopes are pretty open to him following his dreams and being himself. I think, especially with girls, a good many of us went through not knowing or accepting who we were, trying to be what we thought others wanted. This is a tough world we live in.
DeleteI think you are absolutely amazing - you have such a strong sense of self and because of that you are a wonderful friend, wife, and mother! I have the same self-esteem issues and have gotten better, but still worry that someone "doesn't like me" or, like you, I'll hurt someone's feelings. I wish I could stand up for myself more - you are doing a great job and you are right - God doesn't make mistakes and you are a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic person!!!! And I can say that now without any question :)
ReplyDeleteThank-you so much. What a wonderful comment/ compliment :)
DeleteI love living in a place of really truly not caring what others think but in valuing how others feel in terms of offence or getting angry/ upset, to such an extent I think I almost loose some ground in standing up for myself. We learn more and more every day, right... baby steps, hehe
That's a very courageous post, Rivulet, and one with which I can identify a lot. God still hasn't finished with creating the wonderful person he has in mind for you to be.
ReplyDeleteOn my sixtieth birthday I wrote, "And life is indeed good. I am very lucky - I can honestly say that every decade of my life has been even better than the previous decade. My fifties brought me grief in that I cared for both my mother and sister until they died and my own health has deteriorated but the joy of my fifties has been a new contentment, a new resilience and the ability not to give a damn about what anybody else thinks."
Thank-you! I love that, especially hearing from someone else who has walked a similar path in ways, and that you do just keep growing, keep getting closer to the person you were intended to be, keep becoming more and more YOU. That really makes me smile!
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