Sunday, June 5, 2016

New Chapters can be terrifying, but the terrifying ones are sometimes why we keep reading

10:00 PM, June 5th, Sunday night.
Right now my story has me sitting in a quite room in front of my computer. Piano music is playing softly in the background and the dishwasher and old laptop are humming along. As the sun began to set only moments ago the sky turned ferociously dark and raindrops are now tapping on the tin siding. My loved ones are sleeping, aside from the two furry children who are slowly pacing around at my feet. The smell of ginger and coffee cake is wafting through the house as an early morning treat is baking in the oven. I could hardly be more at peace. Apart from actually being asleep this is rest, this is the rest I was seeking out this month and yet my mind... I am at peace but a terrifying anticipation is swirling right at the edge of all the calm.

I just keep thinking, "twelve and a half years." For twelve and a half years I've put on a black polo and khaki pants five days a week. For twelve and a half years I've worked such a strange job, driving from store to store filling out reports, resetting sections, installing graphics and application books and pretty much anything else that might be found in a supermarket, signs, stickers, fixtures, the list is virtually never ending. For twelve and a half years I've been a wanderer of sorts, never having a concrete schedule, never really seeing my boss (or any fellow co-workers for that matter), never having guaranteed work and often times having much too much work. The people I saw each and every day weren't ever really co-workers even though I've made many friends throughout the eleven stores I called mine. For twelve and a half years I haven't worked a weekend or a holiday. For approximately 20,000 hours of my life I've been on the clock working for the same employer and for eleven of those twelve and a half years I was pretty happy with my job.

For most of those twelve and a half years I worked for a very small company that like most every small company these days was bought out by a very large company. Just recently we've "officially" been absorbed. Just recently my job has become unbearable. But, for a little over a year things have been getting worse, and worse, and worse. Tomorrow is the day that I let my company know that enough is enough. I can't do it anymore. I can't work at a place where I feel very little respect, where my voice is not heard or at least never listened to, where almost every answer I get for almost every question I ask is a total non-answer. I can't work at a place where communication, organization, and direction are going downhill at an ever increasing pace.  I've been scared to leave. I've been scared to change paths, to jump ship, to do something else. I was just holding on hoping that a better day would come. I can't hold on any longer. Enough is enough but there's a twelve year backstory and that makes me a little heart sick, a little nauseous, and a little terrified.

Tomorrow is the end of twelve and a half years. But I think this is the end of the terrifying chapter. I think new, exciting, and just a little bit different are the theme of the chapter to come. I did mention that big changes were happening this month, right?
(My husband isn't the only one starting a new job this month)

24 comments:

  1. Hope everything goes well today! Hugs!

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    1. You're the best. I'll let you know as soon as I do.

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  2. Beautifully written. Good luck today. I'm excited to hear about the changes! I know you will do great. Thanks for sharing....really thank you. I feel like I am in the same boat right now and reading things like this give me courage. Sending virtual hugs!

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    1. Thank-you so much! I hope you too are able to find a good working environment. I really have been holding on for awhile now but its completely time to move on. As totally foreign and scary as it seems I know its the right time. Sending virtual hugs back to you.

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  3. Good luck with the new position! Sometimes you need to make a change, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

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    1. Thanks! It's so weird and so uncomfortable but it's right. I'm excited for new things.

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  4. Good luck! It will all work out!

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  5. Good luck as you transition to your new career! Instead of scary try thinking of it as adventurous. You get a do-over!

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    1. Thank-you. I like the idea of adventurous (its still scary though).

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  6. Good luck. Change is hard but if you are so unhappy you need that change. Why do employers treat the people who make them money so bad? Do you have another job or are you taking a break? Cheryl

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    1. Thank-you. I know that no one was trying to treat me poorly (at least I like to believe that) but things have become increasingly more and more unorganized and it's just gotten really hectic in such an unnecessary way for everyone. My job is strange and there are a lot of facets that need to run smoothly and work together in order for things to work properly. People keep trying to change everything all at once (over and over again) and for the past year its been making everything hectic, chaotic, confusing, and really nonoperational. I just can't do it any more.

      I do have another job lined up. It's a lot like what I've been doing and then in other ways so completely different. But yes, I've already found a new job.

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  7. It's sad to see a company treat their employees like dirt. You are a good person and you didn't deserve any of it. I'm sure that bigger and better things are on there way. Chin up and I hope that it all went well today.

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    1. Thank-you so much. I think in my particular situation it's easy for the office people to think nothing of the reps because they never see us. Its very unfortunate and annoying but it can end up being that way quite easily. It was crap.

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  8. Good for you - there is nothing worse than being in a job that you just don't like - makes it unbearable to go to work every day! New challenges are hard, but they are also what make life interesting!!!! Do you already have another job?

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    1. Thank-you. I do have another job and I am looking forward to it. The one I've just left had gotten very unbearable. I kept telling myself that I had to stay for this reason or that, but very very fortunately, really by the grace of God door after door after door opened up so that everything aligned just perfectly with my new job and my husband's new position and financially. The changes have all been VERY uncomfortable but good, good, and I think great.

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  9. It is hard starting over but having your days eaten away with soul sucking thoughts means time is probably right to move on. I can't say you'll never have regrets, I have twinges seeing my paycheck, but then reread old posts and you'll know it was right choice.

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    1. Now that I've officially quit I feel pretty great. I'm sure there will be regrets of sorts, like when I find myself working on a Saturday or on a holiday and there are many unofficial co-workers, people who worked in my stores that I saw every week that I will miss a lot but right now I am so happy that I got up the nerve and went through with it.

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  10. Congrats! I did this a few years ago - very scary but one day you'll look up and realize you can breathe again.

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    1. Thanks. Very scary indeed but I'm already starting to feel so much better about everything.

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  11. I wish you all the very best! Sometimes things happen for a reason, brighter things are ahead. :-)

    Many Blessings,
    Jill

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    1. Thank-you so much! And thankfully scary is very much behind me now :)

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