Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Debt Quote Tuesday, No Regrets

Like all emotion, regret can be used constructively and destructively, but the wholesale dismissal of regret is wrongheaded and dangerous. "No regrets" doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life.
-Brene Brown, from Rising Strong

Are there any statements in your life that somehow solidified a place in your mind, like each of these simple statements have their very own shelf where they sit on display inside of your head?

My first ever moment of body shaming, that I can recall, that meant anything to me at all was when I was sitting in the front seat of my parent's car. I must have been wearing shorts or a skirt and my dad was sitting in the drivers seat when he said to me, "woah, your legs are hairy!" He may have said something like, "gross," or "you should shave." I could not have been older then ten. I've had very dark hair for most of my life but still I know that it was little girl peach fuzz type hair that I had on my legs at the time. There was NOTHING about the hair on my legs that I should have been embarrassed or ashamed of but I was mortified in that moment.

My dad is definitely an antagonist and I'm certain he must have made the comment in a mean joking way but that one comment has shaped my life. Actually, I hate to admit it but as long as I can remember I have been ashamed of my legs. There have been years worth of time when I've gone without wearing shorts or skirts shorter then ankle length and I wonder if that one comment that has stuck with me for so long has anything to do with it. It's not the comment itself that hurts but the intense feeling of shame and ugliness that overcame me when he said it.

There are things my mom has said to that always come back in certain moments. Not necessarily negative things just random little statements. The funny thing about some of my mom's comments, certain ones that have their very own shelf in my mind, I've repeated a few to her in the past several years and she's actually said, "I never said that." Then this absolute truth, truth enough to be solidified on it's very own shelf in my brain is suddenly null and void? Gee mom, thanks for randomly telling your young daughter something so important that you never actually meant!

A friend of mine once told me that he, "never regrets anything!" He's a pastor of a church now and while we're not close friends and I don't remember why he was so adamantly not regretting anything there was shame in his statement. Every single time I find myself feeling regretful I think of him having said that and I feel bad, like I need to do away with my moment of regret. For some reason his No Regrets comment has had a very prominent place on display in my mind for a long time.

Having just read the above quote I am filled with delight. I have tried for close to fifteen years to "have no regrets," but I completely agree with Brene Brown. Do you know that after losing our cat a little while back I started to feel regrets. I think regret is an emotion felt by almost every single person after a death. It's completely normal. But as I was feeling this horrible loss and thinking, "I wish I would have snuggled her more. I wish I would have spent more time with her. I wish I would have responded every single time she meowed," (she really only meowed when she was talking to one of us about something) I just tried to bury the regret, ignore it, push it away. I kept thinking that I needed to use that regret constructively to spend more time with my puppies or be a little more attentive to little Abe but then I was scared of the regret and felt shamed thinking, "oh she's gone now, I can't give her what I should have, how dare I feel that I should use this horrible feeling to love my dogs and son more." No, I should use it to do just that. "To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life."

Same exact thing goes for the financial situation we are in. I regret having used credit cards like toys before my husband and I were together and then with our "excellent" credit both of us having used credit cards like we were living some sort of monopoly game for several years when we were first married. I totally regret that. But I do not let that regret shame me. It is fuel. It is motivation. It is absolutely constructive in helping me to say "no!" to non-necessities and try my darnedest to follow the strict budgets I draw up.

No regrets? Nope, I have regrets and I am using them to fuel gorgeous blazing fires!

If I say, "My foot slips," Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.
Psalm 94:18-19

10 comments:

  1. I'm with you on the regrets. I try to reflect enough to understand & not repeat my mistakes, while not overly focusing on the past & things I can't change. It's a delicate balance. I'm overly self critical, so if I have to lean in a direction, I lean towards not thinking about things, once I've properly inventoried my feelings & learnings. Otherwise, it starts a negative spiral that serves no purpose. . .

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    1. I don't want to ever focus on the past and the things I can't change either. That's just needless torture. What I'm realizing lately though is that I have several central mis-truths (concepts that my heart believes are true but that are completely false). I've recently realized that I need to look into the past and at where the hurt was, at where the lie became truth so that I can walk away from it.

      The no regrets thing is a tiny little speck of that. I've tried to live my life for a long time with "no regrets." But I've finally come to terms with the fact that regret is normal, it can be used constructively and having no regrets simply means burring them (at least in my case) so that instead of giving them attention they're left in the dark to fester. I don't like festering.

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  2. Oooh, I will quote you. (Regret) It is fuel. It is motivation. I have tried to understand or like Brene Brown's books, but they seem so overly complex when it is simple. You nailed it.

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    1. I've been trying to face some things that aren't very simple for me. I haven't read any of Brene's other books. A very good friend recommended this one to me and I'm loving it so much. It's been like much needed medicine at the exact right time.

      I would have never said it before, although I felt it was true, but now I do believe that regret should be used constructively, it should be used as fuel (for good things, haha).

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  3. Hmm, interesting post. I'd never thought about regret like that. You've got me thinking!

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    1. I'm thinking too, like a million words a minute. I can't even shut my brain off.

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  4. I have many many regrets, but I have learned to try and improve things rather than dwell on the regret. Of course I am a slow learner and seem to find new and different things to regret.

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    1. Ah, life! Right? I'm not planning on dwelling on anything either, especially my short comings but I am come to terms with the fact that regret is real and should be dealt with as well.

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  5. I feel exactly the same way! Haha and about your mom denying having said certain things...ugh, my mom says the SAME thing. Makes me wonder if she really does forget or is so ashamed of whatever it is I remembered as a kid, she doesn't want to admit she remembers. I used to verbalize my regrets about how they raised me...but then my husband pointed out that I have no excuses now that I'm adult: if I'm dissatisfied with myself, it's all on me to improve, not to look to the past and grumble. He's right :(

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    1. I'm in a weird place. I don't have any hurt or anger towards my parents. None. I also don't blame them for any of the brokenness in me BUT I can now pin point places where intense hurt, wounding, and brokenness occurred, 100% due to decisions that they made. I'm not focused on them and thank God I don't have to focus on forgiving them, because I already have, but I am focusing on fixing the broken parts of me. I need to look to the past because it is VERY much dictating the way I see now, the way I act now, the way I treat people now and some times I have to grumble to get over the hill that needs to be climbed but I'm not mad at anyone, just trying to heal.

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