I'm Back?

Sorry for my absence. I think I suffered a financial panic attack of sorts. All of the sudden I was completely overcome with this helpless feeling. Every tiny bit of me was thinking, "I CANNOT do this anymore... I CAN'T be responsible... I CAN'T be a grown up... I CAN'T get out of debt... I CAN'T stick to a budget or balance my checkbook or spend responsibly or save money or..." I'm not completely out of it but I'm coming to my senses a bit now. I pretty much just let go and stopped dreaming for a bit there. I still feel like there's NO possible way I can stick to my budget any longer but at the same time that thought pisses me off because I've done a pretty darn good job sticking to it for 6 months. Mind games...

I can think of nothing I want more than to be debt free. Honestly that's my number one most important goal. My husband is SLOWLY realizing my desire to dig out of this pit of despair but he's still not on board. After his grandma passed away (seriously no one else is allowed to die) I just kept thinking, "why am I so focused on money when life is so short?" I guess I felt selfish and petty. Should we really be denying ourselves scrumptious dinners out on the town? Should I really be wearing rags for clothing? Should I really be canceling vacations and denying myself fun and enjoyment? I really sort of let go.

Here's the thing though; I've it said before and I'll say it again and I say it now to remind myself of the TRUTH, we've been foolishly irresponsible with money for a very long time. Life is NOT about denying yourself all the little pleasures and trying to be super strong, disciplined, and pious. It isn't... I know that. But when you've been a complete idiot for years on end and borrowed a ton of money that you were never capable of paying back (in a timely manner) then you do need to man up and do the right thing and just say no to all the little luxuries until you can actually afford them with your own money. Thems the facts.

On the plus side: while I've been off panicking about money and throwing a little screaming fit like an unruly child in an ice cream parlor we did not charge anything, we aren't any more in debt, the debt has gone down a bit more, and I've learned that since paying down some of the debt we're not quite as poor as I'd always felt we were. We can now buy things. We can now eat pretty much whatever we want. We can now live a normal life without going further into debt. All of this spending doesn't allow for paying down much debt but the matter of fact is that we're finally in a place were we can pay all the bills and still have money to spend. It took a long time to get here. Seriously for a considerable while we would pay all the bills and have a few pennies left to spare. We're no longer in that awful place. So as difficult as $12 a day has been for me it's also done wonders! I am getting there. I am.