Saturday, June 18, 2011

Father's Day

I haven't seen my dad tons in the 31 years I've been alive. When he was at home he wasn't home much. My parents divorced when I was 10 and there wasn't a set visitation schedule so we really didn't see him that often. When we did visit he was always pretty drunk. It sucked. Now that I'm older my dad has a new family. It's really strange because his 5 year old daughter is the same exact age as my oldest niece. We see him just about as much as we used to when we were kids (a few times a year) but it's a bit stranger now because of the new family. Needless to say I don't have much of a relationship with my father.

Father's day has always been very difficult for me. I hate picking out a card because NONE of them are applicable. He's impossible to buy for because he doesn't really do anything but work. The past two years at least I haven't even acknowledged Father's day or his birthday. There's always some sort of "Father's Day" sermon at church and I always cry my eyes out for the whole thing. There is seriously such a void in my life.

Here's the thing though, my dad is my dad. Despite his faults and inadequacies I know that he loves me (in his own way) and I love him. I remember when my parents got divorced (he devastated my mom... If I were her I'd probably have shot him in the head) my mom told me that she would always love my dad but that she just didn't like him anymore. I was slightly confused by that and said something like, "well, clearly dad doesn't love you." She responded that she knew my dad loved her. He had always loved her with everything that he was capable only he didn't really know how to love. That might sound crazy to some but I completely understand what she meant and I feel somewhat the same about his relationship towards me. I think he loves me the best he knows how and I really don't hold anything against him. He's my dad.

All that being said my neglecting Father's Day and my Dad's birthday is uncalled for. I do know better. I'm not getting him a gift for Father's Day because he doesn't need anything and I wouldn't even know if he wants something (and obviously I haven't much in the budget for it). I did decide to make him a card though. I think I've written almost everyone in my life (even some relative strangers) a super sappy letter or card at some point in time. It's kind of my thing. In fact I'm pretty good at making people teary but I've NEVER written my dad a nice card or letter. It's not really weird since we don't really have a relationship but I've decided that this Father's Day I'm going to give it a go.
Homemade Father's Day card cost 14 cents.

Today's spending totals $16.15. That's not great but it's better than many many week beginnings prior. Hope everyone's enjoying the weekend!!! 


  1. Fantastic, thought provoking and honest post. All kudos to you. X

  2. MY goodness. I could never do this. I have a similar situation, except it was my dad's choice to not have a good relationship with us, yet he blamed it on my mother.
    I don't really accept that. I don't think he gets to reap the benefits of being a father, without putting in the necessary effort. I think you must be a bigger person than I, because to me, he is the last person I think about deserving anything on a day like today. I could NEVER make him a homemade card like you did. I feel like he's lucky I even let him talk to me.
    I probably need to just get rid of this anger, but for now, it's the only way I know how to deal. You are probably happier and healthier than I am, handling it the way you do. So, kudos to you. :)