Friday, September 11, 2015

Men are from Mars Women are from Venus

So it's no secret that in our home my husband is the spender and I am the, hmm, would be saver if we had extra to save. My husband put in a vacation day for last week so he worked 5 days but got paid for 6. Mistakenly, he told me that he'd done this so I worked it into the budget. "Worked it into the budget" means moved payments around so that everything would be getting paid on time (as opposed to two things I was going to be paying late) and sort of covered some of his back spending (dinner out with friends and a few CD's he recently purchased) with the extra income. I always do this. I literally look over and sometimes re-work the budget every single day.

We don't fight about money any more, hardly ever anyway. At the beginning of this year I made a conscious decision that yes we are married and this is a union but he is his own person and our marriage isn't worth ruining over constant battling about the budget. Money will never be that important to me. I have stuck to my decision and hardly pester or even question him about, in my mind, nonsense over spending. And in truth I think he's done better with his purchasing decisions this year then ever before. (it's worth noting, again, that this is our highest ever debt payoff year)

When he told me yesterday what he planned to purchase with the extra money from the vacation day I should have seen it coming but I hadn't. I told him that I'd already worked it into the budget and he could tell I was extremely frustrated. He said something like, "Why do you do that? When there's extra just leave it alone." He said something about how I "could have all the extra money" from the upcoming holiday pay. Then I got mad and I might have yelled at him when I said, "You mean to pay bills! You know I never buy ANYTHING for myself right?!?! Nothing! EVER!"

So here's where it gets kind of funny and the only reason I even bothered to type any of this out, I really try to keep him out of this blog. Every time I mention him I get well intentioned comments from readers about how he needs to grow up and things along that line. I don't need to hear things like that. He is my husband and he sucks with money but he is a good man. Well, I had three books sitting in my shopping cart on Amazon. I hadn't intended to purchase any of them anytime soon (and probably would have gotten them from the library). They were all used, pretty cheap books but each had several dollars shipping costs so they came out to about $6 each. I put them in the shopping cart online so that I didn't forget that I wanted them.

After our argument I went to work and he went to Amazon and purchased the three books. Then when I got home he told me that he wasn't going to buy the thing he'd planned to buy (it wasn't exactly a cheap item) and that he'd gotten the books for me that were in the cart. I never told him that he couldn't or not to buy what he wanted. And now I will be getting two books about MONEY and frugality and a children's book for little Abe about bravery. I don't think he knows that he just bought two books about spending less for me. That's funny right? What an incredibly odd form of an apology to your wife when fighting about spending too much money. I hope this little story made some of you giggle. I keep laughing to myself about it.

Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
- John N. Gray
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus


  1. I can recommend "Money secrets of the Amish". I have it as an audiobook and I listen to it often. I've long meant to rad "The Millionaire next door" so I look forward to hearing your appraisal of it.

    1. hehe, you did recommend it. That's why it was in the shopping cart :)

      I genuinely look very forward to reading it, haha, and owning it. I really can't stop laughing though!

  2. As someone who has been where you are, and at times where your husband is, I completely understand ans appreciated this story. I think we are doing just fine financially, not perfect, but my DH has an almost obsession with the grocery store, over buying "deals" and then we have clutter and potential waste and it drives me absolutely bonkers. On the other hand, after we pay bills, he hates any extra money sitting in the checkbook and likes to move anything he can into savings. then I remember this thing or that that needs money, usually something for our daughter, so often we are just moving it back out to cover an expense, so that extra conservative saver in him drives me as bonkers as the excessive grocery shopping does. Humans-we are funny beings, aren't we? Enjoy the books and pass on the tips.

    1. Except that I've worked up the strength to avoid really good sales when it means spending more then I'd like to your husband sounds a lot like me! It's not that I don't want extra in the account at the end of the month or the end of the pay week but I do want the extra to go towards the debt. Sometimes I get ahead of myself (or my husband) and put the extra towards the debt and then he turns around and spends it. Although it's already gone so he hasn't actually spent "it." He's instead spent money needed for an upcoming bill. Ah, the dance :) I like your version of the dance better. At least it's in savings so you can transfer it back. LOL

      My goodness, we humans are funny beings! I think I will greatly enjoy the books and you shall at least get a few debt quote Tuesday's out of them on my end if nothing more.

  3. I have been wanting to read that Amish book but our library doesn't carry it :( Let me know if it is worth buying!!!!

    I am totally with you - it is all about picking your battles and quite frankly, some people are good with money and some people aren't, it is just that simple. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that my husband works very hard to support our family and it isn't going to "break" us if he spends a little on himself every now and then!!! Good hubby for buying you those books - I think it tells you he appreciates what you do for the family.....and Sheila the Brave is an awesome book!!!!

    1. I will definitely let you know how the book is. I feel the same way about my husband, I try and tell myself he works hard for the money and should be able to spend it one things he enjoys. I believe that in part but at the same time he already spent all the money (years ago). Until we've paid back what we owe he really shouldn't spend it. Okay, okay he doesn't see it that way and I can't make him see it that was so I'll just keep doing what I do and I'll keep trying not to be so hard on him.

      We checked out Sheila Rae the Brave from the library and Little Abe just loved it. The only downfall is that he's always trying to break the fingers off of evil tree creatures now. I've been wanting to buy it for him but also waiting, obviously. Well, it's on it's way now.

      You're right, he did buy the books as a very kind gesture. I love him.

  4. I definitely feel your pain. M & I are *very* different people financially. If we hadn't adapted from where we started when we got married, and learned to grow together, we'd be divorced for sure. He still continues to do many things *his way*, and I do many things *my way*, but within confines that we are both comfortable with

  5. Funny tale!
    In any marriage sometimes we focus on what is important to us, forgetting that our partners wants are just as important as ours. Sometimes it takes a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder. I am always on top of whatever TheHub does that is not something I would choose, but not so keenly aware when it is the other way around. It is sometimes hard for me to remember his path is just as valid as mine. I guess those gentle reminders have to go both ways here.
    Enjoy the books but mostly enjoy his gesture!