If I won the lottery I'd pay back every penny I owe and then I'd buy food, tons and tons of food. Unfortunately I'd have to play the lottery in order for that dream to be realized.
Have you ever walked the aisles of a supermarket and wondered at the reality of the absurd blessing of abundance that sits at our finger tips? There are at least 50 different granola bars at the store, hundreds of cereals, and enough candy to fill its own candy store. The frozen food for our convenience and tasting pleasure fills 5 rows of coolers at my store. Practically every meat imaginable is available and fresh so that we might be able to whip up one of Emril or Rachel Ray's amazing dishes. Juice, and fruit, and dairy galore. I dare say we hardly ever stop to think about the immense amount of food available for our choosing.
I've two reasons for this reflection. One: I've been to truly impoverished places and I've seen the reality of dirty water and sparse food as a way of life for generations. The people in those places marvel at the tiny selection of food in the one room shacks/ tiendas that dot the roads up the mountains. The people in those places dream of acquiring enough money to purchase a delicacy from those dirty little buildings housing tiny bits of food that we'd probably just pass by if offered any. We are overly blessed and I generally forget that fact myself. I dare say most people hardly ever think about it or even realize it at all.
Reason two for this posting: My fridge is empty. My cupboards are bare. My husband has a slightly rounded belly but I truly believe he thinks I'm starving him. When I see the frown on his face because I'm feeding him ground chicken meatloaf and peas (once again) I feel so impoverished (that dinner costs about $1.65 per person). I spent $6 (over the budget) on pork last nite because I'm sick of feeling poor. I'm sick of having that "I'm hungry feeling" even though it's not actually hunger but just snacking mode and opening every cupboard and nothing being in them. I WANT TO BUY FOOD!!! I want to open the fridge and see fruit and cheese and I'm having a hard time remembering what even goes in a fridge anymore... JUICE! I'm sick of just seeing the milk and eggs and ketchup sitting in there all alone.
Ok, whining done. The point is that I'm not starving and I'm not poor and I'm ridiculously spoiled. I have this ingrained belief that I should be able to have anything I want. The reason I go out to eat so often isn't because I don't want to cook it's because I'm feeding that belief that I have the right to be spoiled. For goodness sakes I remember shopping with my mom when I was a kid. We'd check out with two overflowing carts filled with everything; toaster strudels, mac n cheese, little debbies, fruit, and juice, hot dogs (oh man I want a hot dog... but they've too much sodium for my husband), I mean you name it, it was in one of those carts. If we wanted a toy she'd get it for us. If we wanted a treat, "put it in the cart." My mom was awesome and we ate yummy food. But she lost her house. She lives with my brother. I followed in her footsteps for like 7 years spending tons of money that I didn't have but eating everything I wanted. My husband and I spent SEVEN YEARS getting everything we wanted and now I want my fridge to be full but my fridge doesn't need to be full.
The truth: I'm not starving. I'm not poor. I don't need to have everything I want. I have debt to pay back (ALOT of debt). I NEED to be responsible. I can do this $12 a day thing. I've already proven it. I just need to break this spoiled little brat mentality that I live with. I can break it. I am ready to grow up!