I am sorry for the way I used to live my life (financially). Whether the reckless spending was a result of foolishness or selfishness it was wrong. I am a different person now. I am more mature. I am a bit wiser. I struggle profusely with responsibility but my eyes have opened and I know that a responsible path is the only path that leads to freedom.
So here I stand looking at a huge mess that I created, a mess that is going to take a long time and a lot of energy to clean up, a mess that sadly could have been avoided if I was the me I am now several years ago. As I stand here and look at this mess I've realized that I need to forgive myself. I have to clean it up, no doubt about it but I don't need to keep beating myself up about it. Seriously I am so ashamed of the disaster. I constantly feel like such an absolute fool for having got to this place. I am carrying the weight of thousands and thousands of dollars of debt that I owe to strangers, to institutions, to machines without hearts AND I look at myself as a failure, an idiot, a total screw up.
I am succeeding. I am vanquishing the monster. I am working hard, and getting somewhere, and I am going to be victorious. I am no longer that person, the one who made this mess, the one I'm so mad at and ashamed of and trying to run away from. I need to forgive myself and fight this dang fight guilt free.
So anyway, those are my thoughts for today. I know it's going to take a bit to realize this revelation but at least I can see it now.
$12 a day update: I haven't blown this weeks budget quite yet : )
You know, you can't change the past. You can only take ownership of your mistakes and go forward. Think of the lessons you have learned, albeit the hard way. You will be victorious, and you will come out on the other side stronger and more mature. I hope to get to that other side with you!
ReplyDeleteSarah
Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest part. I know from personal experience. I'm so hard on myself too. It's okay, like you said, you are succeeding now. It'll all be okay. This is just one chapter of your story and the next one will be better :)
ReplyDeleteYou do need to forgive yourself and put it behind you. But also be conscious that you didn't get here on your own...you have a husband that also contributed to your situation and doesn't sound as if he's as ready as you are to tackle your debts. I'm in exactly the same position as you and it's kinda scary. Just stop being so hard on yourself - put those feelings away because you don't have the luxury of indulging them. Harness all your energy into making a better future for yourself.
ReplyDeleteK xx