I am sorry for the way I used to live my life (financially). Whether the reckless spending was a result of foolishness or selfishness it was wrong. I am a different person now. I am more mature. I am a bit wiser. I struggle profusely with responsibility but my eyes have opened and I know that a responsible path is the only path that leads to freedom.
So here I stand looking at a huge mess that I created, a mess that is going to take a long time and a lot of energy to clean up, a mess that sadly could have been avoided if I was the me I am now several years ago. As I stand here and look at this mess I've realized that I need to forgive myself. I have to clean it up, no doubt about it but I don't need to keep beating myself up about it. Seriously I am so ashamed of the disaster. I constantly feel like such an absolute fool for having got to this place. I am carrying the weight of thousands and thousands of dollars of debt that I owe to strangers, to institutions, to machines without hearts AND I look at myself as a failure, an idiot, a total screw up.
I am succeeding. I am vanquishing the monster. I am working hard, and getting somewhere, and I am going to be victorious. I am no longer that person, the one who made this mess, the one I'm so mad at and ashamed of and trying to run away from. I need to forgive myself and fight this dang fight guilt free.
So anyway, those are my thoughts for today. I know it's going to take a bit to realize this revelation but at least I can see it now.
$12 a day update: I haven't blown this weeks budget quite yet : )