Halfway through May average daily spending: $16.90
Yesterday was... not the greatest. We headed over to my in laws to spend time with my father in law and met them on the way out of their driveway. Little Abe cried for at least 5 minutes as we drove away "Grammy, Papa's house!!!" Apparently they already "had plans." It was ridiculous considering my mother in law did practically the same thing on Mother's Day (refused to let us stop by to give her a gift because she didn't feel like seeing people). My husband is REALLY close (like closer than I'd like) to his family and when she pulls this kind of junk it really ticks me off. I was pretty angry most of the afternoon.
We headed home and our little guy started screaming when we turned the corner off the highway to head to our house (only about 3 blocks away) "no go home! no home!" We decided to go downtown instead. He ran around in the splash pad down there with a billion other kids for awhile. That's always fun (and super cute). Then we walked around. We stopped and got smoothies and frog cookies before we headed home. On the way home my hubby asked about dinner and I told him what the options at home were, that I also had to go grocery shopping so I could pick up any other meal he might want, and that since it was Father's day to feel free and choose a restaurant. He picked Subway (which he has a strange addiction to) and then we headed home.
Our fathers day outing cost $22.87. I am not including my husband's gift in my spending. Call it cheating but he has expensive and picky taste. He requested a camera for his PS4. He would have bought it for himself regardless. I spent $20.36 on groceries and plan on today being no spend day 39. I don't regret the "outing" cost as I was so grouchy that I feel like in the end I almost ruined fathers day for my hubby. A lot of it was residual anger from Mother's day. Two years in a row she called us in the morning and said "do NOT come over. I don't want to see anyone." I learned two years ago when she pulled the little stunt that she was testing us. It was mentioned all year about how we didn't give her a mother's day card on Mother's Day and what not. Honestly my sister in law and I did a little photo shoot with the three grandsons. I made a very nice photo book for her. It would have been the first pictures she had with the three boys together. My sister in law planted a hanging basket for her. I know that my mother in law saw her gifts at one point when she was by my sister in laws place but for whatever reason she "forgot" to bring them home. Of course this little fact negates that we even got her anything. blah, blah, blah... there's so much drama in my husband's family.
My sister in law talked to her therapist about the "holiday" drama and the therapist told her that it's normal for an alcoholic to sabotage and invent situations to dwell on all year. I think it sort of justifies the drinking. Like I said, my husband is very close with his family and it just angers me so much when he, his sister, and the little ones don't get to spend time with their parents/ grandparents when she pulls this kind of stuff. Sorry, this post was not originally intended to be a vent fest. I'll probably delete it all later anyhow, but for now... I feel a tiny bit better.
In order to reach my goal for the month there's $101.97 left in this month's spending budget. Yikes!
Just know you are NOT alone in this.....lots of us have dysfunctional families or family members who invent drama to keep things "interesting".
ReplyDeleteMy MIL had her ways of doing similar.....she'd pull stuff so that she didn't get to see her grandkids much and then complain about how she never saw them, even tho it was HER ALONE keeping them from being with her.
Try thinking of ways to head your MIL off next holiday, or at least things to take the sting out of it for you and your son. Maybe mail her gifts or cards next year so she can't pull a last minute "don't come over" sort of thing.
Your poor son......I think you handled that well myself.
You can't change family members like this.....just change your approach to the situations and limit contact. It isn't worth it to participate in their games. ;-)
Thank-you so much for your kind words. My family does not have this kind of drama, EVER, and even after 11 years it still throws me off guard. I try and not participate but it seems like whatever decision we make she spins something off of it. It drives me crazy! I really REALLY like the idea of mailing a card/ gift next time. That would be perfect. Then she can pull her stunts but we still get a gift to her so she doesn't complain about "not getting one on Mother's day" all year. Brilliant!
DeletePlease, don't let it bother you! In almost 9 years of marriage I've learned to ignore my MIL's games. I don't know how many times we planned a Birthday party for HER (since her house is never "ready" to host), and she wouldn't show up because she had a headache - her favorite excuse. Two years ago she promised my oldest that she would come over on Christmas morning to see the boys open their gifts. He spent 45 minutes at the window waiting for her. It broke my heart! We called her multiple times but she wouldn't respond... After that, I told my husband that I'm done planning or worrying about her but I would NOT allow her treat my children like this. It made my life much easier :) We do holidays when we can, and I don't think about it twice anymore...
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness that's so much worse Lena, not showing up for her own birthday party and your poor kiddo waiting by the window :(
DeleteThat does remind me of how my MIL was a no show the first time I made thanksgiving dinner at our house for the entire family and how she stormed out at my birthday party one year. geesh, you're right. I don't know how to not let it bother me though. I guess I need to start working on that.
My husband had to basically cut his mom out of his life for many years to escape constant drama. He limits the times he interacts with her now and when he does see her things go smoothly. Sad that it needs to be this way but it does.
DeleteThat is sad. My husband protects his mother as if she were a helpless little puppy. I get it, I really do, but it doesn't make things easier.
DeleteWell, my mother is just as bad and worse. She never visits, but when we go there, she yells and calls her kids (me) names, tells us to get out, but if we leave, we are blamed again. For 15 years, I kept my husband at bay. Last year, I cut her off. I could not take it anymore. Our house has been so much more peaceful, and my husband says I have a light that he has never seen before. I am not saying you need to cut her off, but I do have an extreme amount of sympathy for you all. It is never easy.
ReplyDeleteIn the evenings (we do not go there in the evening anymore) we get called names and yelled at too. I honestly could not imagine what it would be like if my mom were like that. It's weird because my husband is used to it but its so not normal. I'm so sorry that you cut her out of your life but its such great news to hear that you're doing great!
DeleteYesterday was pretty awful at my house as well. I was glad to work to avoid the family drama.
ReplyDeleteSorry you had a rough day as well.
Looks like our blogging community has a lot more in common that I realized. Wow!
DeleteTotally hear you on the family drama. I cut my parents out of my life because my mom wanted me to bring my daughter around my sex offender brother. Umm, no way on hell!!!
ReplyDeleteBefore that, my mom used to pull shit like that for every single holiday. She threw the turkey outside at Thanksgiving, kicked my dad out on Fathers day, tried to cancel Christmas, the list goes on.
My way to combat having people ruin holidays is to over plan and try to keep things with just our immediate family.
I'm pretty sure I would have done the same in your shoes and at the same time can't even imagine. So sad :(
DeleteI generally do enjoy the holidays more when it's just our immediate family too but my husband's family is so close and SUPER obligatory if you try and do a holiday without them then you're evil and then his mom pulls crap like this all the time. Ugh!
I must say that as bad as things got with my family, holidays when we kids were adults were rather drama free. When I was a child, holidays were his favorite time to rave.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I had a really good male friend who complained about the way his extended family, all within a mile of each other out in the country. After about five years, I tentatively mentioned it to his cousin. She told me how it was, how he had a wreck driving one mile because he was drunk, or he felt too sick to come to any gathering. Once I refused to give him sympathy or even listen to his tales of their abuse, I was much happier. He also sobered up, but he never attended events he said he would. His therapist told me that he would have the same personality, just sober.
When you mail the gift, put a note in that says for her to let you know when it would be convenient to visit. Now, it is all on her. Refuse to play her games because she will still continue to try to blame others.
I hate she ruins Father's Day for her husband and your husband. Next year, do a FD celebration before the holiday and give him a call on FD.
You can always tell her how much your son cried for the two of you. If you get a rebuff, just remind her he will never even remember her. Alcoholics I have known want everything to be all about them.
They do want EVERYTHING to be about them even if it's negative attention. I don't know personally a lot of people who deal with this nonsense but, as sad as it is, you all are making me feel TONS better, just knowing that others are dealing with the same sort of stuff.
DeleteVery good point, to state in the card, "when will a get together be convenient for you?" Thanks!
I would definitely be fuming if my in-laws pulled that stunt. My parents have plenty of their own flaws, but are very family oriented & love seeing their kids (and our kids). My in-laws are out of the country & unable to visit. They are very sweet, but when they do come to the US, it's for 90 days at a time, & they live in our basement. They don't speak English & I don't speak Farsi, so it's QUITE an adventure & always results in some tension. ;-) I do miss them, and especially miss all of the fabulous cooking.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs - family dynamics are super hard, & I think you're doing great.