getting the noise out

I sit down at the computer and hit that orange "new post" button for me. For the longest time that's why I came here. My fingers move across the keyboard effortlessly because there's so much noise rumbling around inside my head. I just want to let it out, to organize it, to see it in print on the screen before my eyes. This venue of letting total strangers, of wanting total strangers to read my thoughts, of becoming friends with total strangers whose faces I may never see all in an effort to get some of the noise out... I guess it's become quite normal.

The noise is made up of endless to-do lists, dreams and goals, beautiful encounters, heart ache and pain, past hauntings, new beginnings; gosh darn it there's a lot of noise. I like the idea, I like knowing that people can stop for a moment, take a peek inside my messy mind and walk away with a smile or a giggle, with a new idea or a new thought. Shoot, I guess that means my getting it out may actually contribute to someone else's rumble...

I've been unbelievably busy and unorganized for the past several years. I miss sitting down and letting my fingers type away the noise. I miss reading what fellow bloggers have to contribute to their own stories. But I've been silent, I think, not only because I can't find enough time (for anything) but because I've always blogged for me; I've always blogged because I have something to let out. There are words in my head that I need to see in print and until I let them free the noise in my head is just too much but over time I think that all changed. I think... the realization that people come here and read what I have to say caused me to stop blogging for myself. That was a mistake.

Tonight after the baby went to bed, after I washed some of the dishes (there are still MANY left untouched filthy on the counter), after I put a load of laundry in the wash, I sat at the computer and opened pinterest. It's not a place I go often unless I want to find a new recipe or need book ideas. Generally I waste my precious down time scrolling facebook but tonight I decided just to scroll through pins. Normally pinterest leaves me with a happy expectation sort of feeling. My feed is a seemingly endless wall of fun ideas, beautiful photos, interesting books, fantastic homeschool content, fuzzy little lambs; there's so much beauty there. It really is just a compact personalized magazine.

Only, pinterest tonight made my head hurt. I scrolled down the page for a little while. My son came over and glanced over my shoulder, asked me what I was looking at, made a few comments about different photos he saw scrolling by and I kept thinking, "how could I ever make a second of time to add any of this beauty to my life when I can't even begin to clean up the mess I currently have going?" To be clear, its a normal mess. I think 99% of us are living in a normal mess, the kind memes talk about often, the kind coffee was made for (okay, coffee wasn't made for messes but it's marketed quite well for them even so). I just haven't been very good at tackling the noise in my head or the dishes on my counter (or anything else).


I don't know if I can find the time but I think I need to make much more of an effort at getting the noise out, organizing the rumblings in my mind, and allowing myself see what my fingertips want to type out. I think I need to start blogging for me again.