This staying on budget thing (or trying to) is really difficult and exhausting. But every time I "need" to buy a coffee or a pop, every time I feel I'm not going to make it through the day without some sort of sugar boost, every time I "NEED" to dine out because it's just too exhausting to cook I can't help but think about the people all over the world who don't even have water and the millions, I suppose billions of people who are starving. There are people who celebrate at one tiny piece of candy that I wouldn't even waist the calories on. There are people who are beyond our comprehension thankful for one tortilla or a piece of fruit. I'm struggling to deny myself luxury that I'm accustomed to. I owe a ridiculous amount of money because of foolish indulgence in luxury and there are people all over the world who are struggling just to live. It's awful how far tipped the scales are.
"I don't need those little extras. I don't need sugar. I don't need convenient dinners." I tell my head these things but my body screams, "YES YOU DO!" For crying out loud I am selfish and immature. Yesterday as I was walking in the front door I was thinking how I'd like to just quit, quit this being responsible thing, quit this growing up and getting out of debt thing, just quit. My flesh is screaming to go back to the old ways, the eating whatever you want whenever you want ways. Who needs to pay back what they owe anyway? We're Americans. The government will take care of us if we fail. (I apologize this is an ugly conversation I'm having with myself but it is what it is and I'm not holding back) This $40 overage is making me feel like I can't do it. I know I can. I KNOW that I need to. I know that I want to be out of debt, that I want freedom SOOO much more than I want coffee but it's hard. And I have to put it into perspective. I'm fighting with myself over luxury, unnecessary extras (I'm by no means starving or even hungry here) while people all over the planet are dying. I can handle this tiny battle. I can. Just keep baby stepping. I will get there!
I spent $12.79 wednesday. We are $39.94 over budget at present. I'm hoping to end this week with no more than $20 over. That's the goal at least.
Just pointing out, you are still doing it! This week you are trying to end no more than $20 over, next week hopefully you will try and end with no overage, and the real test will be once you make it there, will you have proven to yourself that you can do the $10 a day/$2 set aside method? And if you can do that, that will be the reward for all your hard work - a little more discipline.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel. Right now, years of being responsible just seems stupid because I keep seeing family members bail out my irresponsible sibling!
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