That was clearly not a very uplifting story (my last post). Before falling asleep the other night I was thinking about my teenage/ young adult years and how truly uncomfortable they were. I had a home but I know what it's like to feel homeless. I felt homeless for the eight years that I lived in that house. Between three different homes of very close friends of mine I spent more time away from my house than I did at it (or at least I tried).
My parents got divorced when I was 10 and we moved out of the home I grew up in when I was 14. During the four years post divorce that we lived in my childhood home we pretty much trashed the place; four young kids and a mom who gave up on life but we practically demolished the house we moved to out in the country. I wasn't old enough at the time to understand that things break and you have to fix them. I felt like we were cursed. Oh, and they break faster when you don't take care of them. Everything in that house was broken, rotting, falling to pieces, trashed, and the hoard... I never knew that it had a name until that show hoarders started airing on TV. I never knew there were other houses on the planet like ours until I watched that show. For the record we did have a bit more floor showing in our home than most of the houses on that show but my oh my the similarities are scary.
I was thinking about living there and imagined it'd be constructive for me to write a little blip about it. I'm happy to report that it was, for me anyhow. I find myself terrified at times that I'm going to end up like "that." Every time something breaks there's this fear that grips me, "oh no, it's starting..." Every night when I'm picking up toys, hubby's socks, some dirty clothes; general straightening up that always takes way too long I worry that, "my house is becoming..." When I notice one of my clutter spots (I have a few BUT they never last too long, another springs up in a different location, and then I clear that one away) I am almost paralyzed with thoughts, "the hoard is here!"
But looking back, really looking back and remembering having to climb piles of clothes to get to the other side of a room, the ceiling falling in in several spots, the mold in the dishwasher, the countless dishes I literally threw in the trash because they were too gross for me to even think about cleaning, the stench, oh! I will never live like that again. I don't live like that. Someday came. I have my own home, that I take care of. We always fix things here when they break. I have my own family. Oh my word, I am normal! There's nothing to hide. When people come over for a bon-fire (theoretically... because we hardly ever have people over and we don't have a fire pit) I don't have to tell them before hand that if they have to pee they will have to do so by a tree because there is NO WAY they are going in my house.
I'm having this tiny revelation that even though I generally feel scatter brained, overwhelmed by chores and cleaning that needs to be done, that when something breaks I freak out about where we'll get the money to fix it, I actually harbor a decent amount of shame that I'm not good enough at this whole "adult life thing," I'm really doing just fine. A lot of the robotic/ little black cloud stints are a direct result of the paralyzing fear that I'm failing at life. All these Debbie Downer worries and stresses about someday ending up back there are old ghosts. I'm not perfect BUT my life is NOTHING like it was there in that house and I wasn't the one who made that mess (I was the only one who ever tried to fix it actually). Someday is here and it's pretty darn great!
Average daily spending for August: $18.07
Just having lived through that will keep you from going back to it probably. My brother was a hoarder and my other brother has strong hoarding tendency that so far are kept in check, but if he wife dies first, I just know he'll spiral downward.
ReplyDeleteI am always keeping an eye on myself for the signs too.
There are many good books on the subject coming out focusing on children who have lived through this. People are just now beginning to recognize the children of hoarders and what affect this disease has on a person's mentality. Getting it out in the open is a good thing.
If you ever want to talk, just email me. 8-)
Thank-you Sluggy! I'd be really interested in reading one of those books. Do you know any titles.
DeleteWhen I get really anxious and fearful I remember Job 3:25. This helps me by making me push out fearful thoughts so they do not become a lot reality. God has not given us a spirit of fear. Cling to that truth.
ReplyDeletebut of power and of love and of a sound mind! amen to that! Thank-you Teresa. This comment makes me really happy. I know that my only strength is in Him and I thank Him everyday for that. I know that when I lose focus, when I'm away from Him when I leave His strong tower is when things get overwhelming and sometimes scary. The truth is the truth and the truth is that I am delivered from that past and He has me in the palm of His hand. Thank-you!
DeleteI feel very sad as I read your last two posts. I grew up in a comparatively privileged home. Mother was no hoarder, in fact just the opposite. I remember her giving away my train set when she decided I was too old to want to play with it and giving away my bike when I learned to drive a car. I think I recovered but I now have a tendency to hang on to things.
ReplyDeleteBut your childhood sounds a very frightening place to be. Good for you for saying "No More" to that and for making sure that your own child never has to face it for himself. We can't rewrite the past - but we can make sure the past doesn't hijack our future.
Making sure the past doesn't hijack the future is precisely what I'm getting at here. Perfectly put! Sometimes we can have these fears and failings even that aren't really valid. I don't think I usually equate the dark depression I find myself in at times when I can't keep up on cleaning my home the way I'd like to; I don't recognize usually that it's because of where I came from and that I shouldn't face depression simply because I didn't get all the dishes washed before going to bed. But when I can recognize it and call it what it is, a ghost from the past really, then it's easier to deal with and clear out of my mind and heart.
DeleteIt's weird, hoarder children can kind of relate to you in the sense of your mom clearing out your toys. Our stuff, so often things we cherished got ruined from you name it, water damage, mold, dog pee, cat pee. I have virtually no toys from my child hood where as my husband has an attic full of his. My mom made a play room in the basement for my little sister at one point and to this day I do not know what happened (it was gross down stairs so we hardly ever went down there) but we went down there once and all the toys were soaking wet from some sort of flood apparently and covered in the oddest looking fungus I've ever seen in my life, like huge orange mushrooms. I've NEVER been so grossed out and it was all over all of my little sisters toys, like every Christmas present she had ever gotten for probably 5 or 6 years. Yeah, I guess that's how my mom gave our toys away.
For the record my mom is one of the nicest people you could ever meet in a lifetime but something happened to her in the divorce and she just quit, she just stopped everything. For about as far back as I can remember she's worked and slept and that's it.
Same line different story, my childhood ruled by addictions and lies. It took me many years to retrieve my thinking along crooked logic (A to F to Z to B to W) and begin to really think in a 'normal' way (A - B - C). You are NOT the illness your parent manifested. It took me a long time to realize that. You're way ahead of the curve, honey!
ReplyDeleteThank-you! You hit it head on, a lot of the time I do not operate A-B-C. It's kind of hard to. My husband constantly makes fun of me for it but there's something in your head that you have to almost grow out of. Instead of simply growing up I am still trying to grow out of so much.
DeleteI also grew up in a trashed house. I never knew what it was like to have a clean bedroom until I moved out. You will never go back to that way.
ReplyDeleteI shouldn't be but I can say I'm happy that we have a kinship in this way. My brothers and sister and I felt so very alone in our mess for so long. It is honestly nice to hear that other people have gone through it. In my heart I know that I will never go back. I couldn't. I think it would kill me. But subconsciously I'm terrified of it. It's a fear that I hardly ever recognize; I only notice it in getting really frustrated over stupid things and getting really depressed for dumb reasons. We've grown up haven't we :) I think we're both doing grand!
Delete"...we hardly ever have people over..."
ReplyDeleteI was very moved by your two posts. I think you would probably benefit from regularly inviting people into your home. Even though you realize that your life is "pretty darn great," your freak-outs, shame, old fears, etc., might be surfacing as often as they do because you may be a bit isolated in your house. Taking the risk to fling the doors open wide (so to speak) to having some company over and I think many of those fears will be quelled. Just my 2 cents, hope you don't mind. I wish you the best!
I appreciate your two cents. Thank-you. It's encouraging actually. A close friend of mine (who lives an ocean away) thinks along the very same lines as you and you are both probably correct. We had little Abe's birthday party here this year and it was honestly great having people over. This is something I should totally work at. Thanks again!
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